10 signs he is a fuck-boy…and other shit relationship advice
All the relationship and dating advice you read is shit.
All the columns you read spend their time talking about looking for flags, dealbreakers, when to walk away and how to communicate your needs.
The problem with all of this advice is it focuses on the negatives. It assumes people are stagnant and incapable of growth. It tells us that if everything is not perfect and we are not happy something is broken and needs to be fixed or it is the other person's fault, and we should look for someone else that will make us happy.
Now don't get me wrong, this type of advice works.
It keeps us on dating apps, it keeps us buying relationship advice books and keeps us, active consumers, buying products to make us more desirable on the dating market or striving to make ourselves more desirable to our partners.
How often do we go on a first date and start going through our mental checklist?
· Attractive
· Educated
· Good job
· Family oriented
· Divorced-“Eeeep NO! Dealbreaker”
Too often we are focused on the extrinsic factors-looks, status and what others will think. We go through our list and think we finally found the one when they meet all our criteria. Then when one or the other of us fuck up, which we will inevitably do, we throw out the baby with the bathwater. We sit there and count up all the red flags, dealbreakers and paint a picture that villainizes the other; because of course, it can’t be us, right?
When a relationship ends or is failing, we all tend to sit there and go through the laundry list of things the other person did wrong-he was always texting with the girl in his office, left his underwear in the middle of the floor, he cared more about his music than me.
We have a hundred reasons why it didn’t work out all of them focused on the other person and their shortcomings, so then we go back out there in the dating world more assured than ever of our perfection than ever and more reassured that every man/woman we meet is a liar, cheat, abuser, alcoholic, etc. So, we go out there ready to find love again with our shit goggles on. We are ready this time, we won’t be taken in again, we will look for every red flag. And with each consecutive heartbreak and disappointment, we get better and better at looking for flags. So good that we will create flags, even when none exist.
Now let’s be clear, once you have reached a certain age in your life, we have all been through shitty relationships. If you have survived this long without ever experiencing a heartbreak, then you are one of the lucky few or perhaps you are blessed with enough naivete that you have been oblivious to the problems.
The problem with traditional relationship advice is it focuses on fixing problems and giving us tools for dealing with the other. The biggest thing missing from all of this advice is neglects the most important part of the equation and the problem with all of your relationships- YOU.
YOU are the problem!
You are the problem with all of your relationships.
The conflict with your boss-its YOU.
Your mom always nagging at you-it’s YOU.
Your husband leaving-it’s YOU.
YOU and only YOU are responsible for all of your problems in the world.
Have you ever been completely alone and in trouble, you look around and want to get mad? For me, I automatically blame my ex. I blame him for everything. He does the same for me so at least that is one thing we have in common.
I mean if he hadn’t proposed to me, I wouldn’t have left my job, had a baby, moved to Africa and ended up with a flat tire. It’s all because of him.
When we are hurt and upset most of us will default to our parents and our partners. They are easy targets. We know they aren’t going anywhere. Well, they might…but we usually have a big window to throw shit at them before they walk out the door.
When things go wrong in our life, we look for someone or something to blame. There is no way that we could’ve lost our job because we were slacking off and watching porn at work, no way! It is our micromanaging dick of a boss that is always out to find fault in people and breathing down our neck. Why can’t he just fuck off for a bit?
When was the last time that you took accountability for your role in your problems? When was the last time you drop the ball at work, you said:
“You know what I really fucked up? I am not engaged with work lately and I have been phoning it in. I watch about three hours of YouTube videos, scroll through Instagram for an hour and then stare at my inbox for two hours and send three emails before tapping out.”
When you tell your friends and family you lost your job, do you tell them that?
When was the last time that a relationship ended that you started to do an inventory of yourself?
When you go on dates, do you tell your dates when they ask why your marriage ended do you say:
“You know I never really loved him, I always felt like I was settling, and I made him feel like everything he did was never good enough. I thought if I criticized him enough, he would magically turn into someone I wanted to be with and I wouldn’t be so miserable with him.”
Note: This is by no means an excuse for someone else’s behaviour especially in the case of abuse. And I am not by any means assuming a position of victim justification. I am rather suggesting being honest with yourself. Brutally honest.
When your ex accused you of cheating and you decided to end it because of his jealousy, was he really just being jealous, or was there something you were doing that made him jealous. No? Maybe you weren’t cheating but were you spending your days fantasizing about the hot divemaster and texting “friends” who you knew were interested in you? Did you ever actually want to have sex with your partner? Were you mentally there with them, or were you playing your spank bank reel to get through it?
Have you ever sat there and took inventory of yourself and your behaviours?
Fuck no.
Even the thought of it makes me sick. I can’t think of anything I would want to do less than sit there and think about all the ways that I fucked up this week or in my life and look at all my shitty habits and behaviours.
Yes, I like to get up at 5 am and run 10 km but I will also spend my day in my PJs, not showering, and getting high while I write for days on end. Obviously, I am more likely to promote the side of me that runs 10 km and gets up at 5 am rather than the side that will stay up for 72 hours getting high in a writing mania. I’d rather not admit the latter to anyone including myself.
Recently, I have gone through a spell where I feel everyone is mad at me-my mom, my son, my ex, my friends, my colleagues, my boyfriend. Basically, there was a week where I am pretty sure that anyone within a ten-foot radius of me was mad at me.
I hate conflict, I avoid it at all costs.
In past relationships, it was a running joke that if things got remotely serious that I would run off to India. Honestly, I don’t think it was so much of a joke as a reoccurring pattern.
When I was in my week of a shit storm, I really wanted to be pissed off at everyone. My mom is always nagging me, every guy I date is always crazy jealous, I hate my colleagues being so needy, can’t they just do their job. My son is always so angry. After all, he is just like his dad and my dad stops by unannounced all the time because he never listens. Fuck. All I needed that week was some compassion and all I got was a shit storm from everyone around me.
Or did I? Was I being a bit of a wrecking ball?
So, I did what I did best.
I skipped town.
This time, I decided I need to take inventory of myself.
Well, no, actually I decided I needed to do a lot of drugs and run until I figured out what the fuck was going on in my head and my life.
What happened with a suitcase of drugs and running a half marathon each day, was a realization that if people keep telling me I am controlling, eeep maybe I am a little controlling. And if everyone starts a conversation with “Sorry for bothering you”, I must make people feel like they are bothering me.
If every person I have ever been with has been jealous, if I am honest-brutally honest, then it must be me.
If it is me then we are only left with two options:
1) I only date jealous people: now this would be viable if I had only dated two people. But there is a broad cross-cultural and generational spectrum, and they have all been jealous. I could also deduce that all men are jealous, but I see friends and family with partners who aren’t jealous, so it can’t be that.
Oh, shit then it must be me, which can only mean:
2) I act in a way that makes my partner feel insecure about my commitment: Ugh. I don’t like that one. I automatically mentally start to defend myself. “Anyone can look through my phone, I have nothing to hide”. This is true but if you sit there and ask yourself do you think that you might do things that might make a partner feel insecure? Do you talk about all your amazing guy friends? Do you have a lot of male friends? Do you go hours/days/weeks without responding to texts? Do you skip town whenever you get insecure in your relationship? Are you always emotionally available to your partner? Has a partner ever said “Sorry for bothering you” or “You care more about (insert activity or person here), than me”? Then maybe you aren’t doing the best you can do?
It doesn’t feel too good to ask those questions. I don’t know about you, but I get this lump in my throat and tightness in my chest and I don’t feel very good about myself. The answers that I come up with don’t sit too well with the image I want to create for myself.
You know what-fuck this.
I prefer to blame everyone in my life for my problems.
Back to reading “10 signs he is a fuck boy.”
